Thursday, June 18, 2009

Presidential Fly Swatting

(with hat tips to Steerpike, D.N. Nation, Woodrowfan and the commenters at Sadly, No!)

Barack Obama swatted a fly.

George W. would have run from the room or hidden under his desk while Cheney agitated for a Global War On Files.

Clinton would have dazzled the fly with a big, folksy grin, convincing it to establish a Housefly PAC to lobby for federal funds.

Bush Sr. would have ordered the fly to be assassinated, and make it look like an accident.

Reagan would have kept talking, oblivious to the fly’s presence, even when it landed on his unblinking, glassy eyes and started laying eggs.

Carter would have mediated a housefly summit, with a breakthrough agreement for a homeland, and protected international status for all displaced insect refugees.

Ford would have tried to swat the fly, but miss, giving himself a black eye, and, somehow, a broken leg.

Nixon would have disintegrated it in mid-flight with laser-beams emitted from his eyes.

LBJ would have offered it a massive public works project if it’d go away.

JFK would have had Bobby kill it. Slowly. Just to watch it die.

Ike would have had Dulles and the CIA off it.

Truman would have nailed it with a bottle.

FDR would have started a public works project to eliminate flies prompting the republicans to start campaigning on a “pro-fly” platform.

Hoover would have tried to swat it, and missed.

Coolidge would have gone to take a nap while Mellon gave another tax cut to himself.

Harding would have made it a member of his cabinet and invited it to his poker game.

Wilson would have had one of the “colored” servants deal with it or would simply had glared it to death.

Taft would wonder how Roosevelt would handle it, then pass it off to the Senate to deal with.

Teddy Roosevelt would have gleefully shot it through the heart and mounted its head on the wall.

McKinley would have swatted it, and then covered its body with a white handkerchief.

Cleveland would have declared that swatting flies was none of the government’s business and vetoed a bill.

Harrison: who cares?

Arthur: Would have swatted it, much to the surprise of the fly who expected to get a kickback.

Garfield: would have dithered what to do until Blaine came in to kill the fly for him.

Hayes: would have let his wife gently removed the fly from the room.

Grant: would have killed it with cigar smoke.

Johnson: would have let the fly run for Congress from one of the former confederate states.

Lincoln: would have tried one fly swatter after another until he found one that works damnit!

Buchanan: would have run shrieking from the room like a little girl.

Pierce: would have had another drink.

Fillmore: would have killed it while the fly wondered who the hell “Fillmore” was.

Taylor: would have told the North he was pro fly swatting while telling the South he was against it. In the meantime Henry Clay would kill the fly.

Polk: Would have invaded Mexico to kill flies there!

Tyler: whatever he did, both the Whigs and Democrats would hate him for it.

Harrison: would have tried to kill the fly but would drop dead trying.

Van Buren: Would form a coalition of northern and southern fly swatters.

Jackson: Would kill the fly AND a few Indians just for the hell of it.

J.Q. Adams: would have killed the fly but while speaking French (Adams, not the fly.)

Monroe: Would have had JQ Adams kill the fly for him.

Madison: Would have tried to get the British and French to compete to kill the fly.

Jefferson: would have killed the fly, and then studied it under a microscope.

Adams: would have blamed Jefferson for the fly then slapped the fly in jail for insulting the President.

Washington: would have killed the fly in a gentlemanly manner thus setting the model for future Presidents’ fly-killing.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Violence Begets Violence

How long is it going to be before our political establishment wakes up to the terrorist movement in our midst? How long is it going to be before our government gets serious about taking on this religious fundamentalist insanity that threatens the regular citizenry?

How many times did we hear those questions out of the mouths of the very same fuckwits who are now in some measure responsible for the assassination of Dr. George Tiller in Kansas?

Projection, thy name is Christianist.

And now you fuckers can reap the whirlwind.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Change He Promised

Man, it's just so HARD to get outraged any more. After eight years of a Republican administration that was simultaneously corrupt, incompetent, vicious, incoherent, and cunning I just can't find it in me to get mad at Obama for his "betrayals" of progressivism.

Take last night's speech. He basically gave the GOP a choice- Help him fix this mess, stand aside while he fixes this mess, or suffer the wrath of the American people for stopping him from fixing this mess.

And the Republican "response"? In addition to being insane and laughably delivered, basically came down to "we'd rather be kicked in the face". So we can very much look forward to many many MANY hilarious days of GOP whining about "oppression" and evil government. Bring it, kiddies. While you cry, the Administration will bring this country back on track toward a 21st Century prosperity. You know, the opportunity you squandered with tax cuts and outrageous, wasteful spending on warfare.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sabotage!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Greatest Hits of George W Bush- Part Three: Responsible Steward of the Earth

In the waning days of the Clinton Administration, a new environmental protection rule came down from the Interior Department- the Roadless Area Conservation Rule. This rule sought to protect the remaining wild areas of the United States from unchecked despoliation from overuse. Some fifty-eight million acres of National Forests and grasslands were placed off limits to road construction and most logging, drilling, and mining.

This sounds like a lot- it is barely more than 30 percent of lands managed by the U.S. Forest Service.

Bush immediately (on Feb 5, 2001) suspended the rule, of course. Because conservatives hate few things more than the idea that business depends on environmental preservation.

Friday, December 05, 2008

The Greatest Hits of George W. Bush - Part Two: Bigot

"I don't think that witchcraft is a religion. I wish the military would rethink this decision."
-- George W. Bush to ABCNEWS, June, 1999

I told you this wouldn't be in any particular order.

Nevermind that the default Christian mindset recoils at the word "witchcraft". Nevermind that the Bible itself enjoins its believers to kill such (even though the verse clearly cannot mean modern Wiccans).

The decade of the 1990s saw an unprecedented explosion in the popular depiction of witchcraft and magical religion in the media. Movies like The Craft and television shows like Charmed, for all their flaws, presented a view of witchcraft and neopaganism that allowed for the possibility that Pagans were not all leering, evil, manipulative seducers bent on corrupting the young and killing the virtuous. News shows talked (seemingly endlessly) about Paganism, educating the populace about the practice and the believers.

And still after all this, George W. Bush said:

I don't think that witchcraft is a religion.

Well then what the fuck is it, George? Yet another warning sign that too many people simply glossed over.



Thursday, December 04, 2008

The Greatest Hits of George W. Bush - Intro and Part One

OK, I'm pissed off enough to have something to write about, again.

I have been watching Versailles heaping plaudits and apologia upon the worst president this nation has ever suffered. I have been watching the Republican Party trying desperately to stuff the entirety of the last eight years down the memory hole, the better to blame Obama for all the pain we will suffer during his administration.

I think it would serve us well to remember. So, between now and Inauguration Day I will be doing my best to post short snippets on the vile, petty, inept, callous, insane,bloodthirsty days of the second Bush Administration. These will come in no particular order, because I'm fracking lazy.

I did try to reach back as early as a quick Google search could take me, though. And so we start with the Hainan Island Spy Plane Incident.


You might not remember this. This was a big huge thing in early 2001, when everyone thought that we might be squaring off with China in the next big power struggle. HA! What a joke that is, now. They'd already outplayed us and were buying U.S. Treasuries hand over fist.

On 1 April, 2001, an American electronic reconaissance plane collided with a Chinese jet fighter. The American aircraft, an EP-3E Aries, had to make an emergency landing on Hainan Island, putting ship and crew into Chinese hands. The Chinese promptly claimed the EP-3 had violated their airspace.

The Bush Administration, in a set of moves that should have foreshadowed all that was to come, was initially bellicose, demanding the unconditional return of the plane and its crew. The Chinese weren't any better, but having the upper hand (control of all the information) they waited until Colin Powell finally convinced Bush to issue an apology.

The crew was quickly sent home, and the plane was dismantled (and probably combed over by Chinese intel) and shipped back to the U.S.

The crisis lasted ELEVEN FREAKING DAYS.