The Re-education of Alex P. Keaton

How can the GOP become relevant again? How indeed.

Paid human squawk-box Andrew Breitbart of the Moonie Times thinks he has the answer: bring back the chic of Alex P. Keaton, the yuppie Republican son in the liberal family from the 1970s sitcom Family Ties, played to an unfortunate 'T' by Michael J. Fox (I bet he's sorry now.)

Breitbart is the genius who said last October, "Mr. McCain's greatest gift to America may have been his inadvertent discovery of Sarah Palin, the only person in American politics who can go up against Mr. Obama's star power."

But since Bible Spice didn't quite capture the hearts and minds of America like the GOP thought she would (being functionally illiterate didn't help her image much), Breitbart has another brilliant idea: sell selfishness to the "Me Generation" packaged as "tax cuts and corporate greed are more fun!"

The future of the Grand Old Party needs to be dangerously youthful, devastatingly attractive and outrageously fun.

Throw the liberal baby boomer bums out. And let's elect to higher office some good-looking, freedom-loving Net Generation babes. Face it: Democracy needs a face-lift and a youth movement. (I'm from Los Angeles, what can I tell you?)

With the economy in the pits, the young, the restless and unapologetically handsome should use their looks, vigor and Internet knowledge to wrest away elective office from joyless bureaucrats who gallingly repackaged the soiled utopian promises of their overly replayed Woodstock days as "hope" and "change."

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The suburban Mall Rats will be the first Obamacons to come back to the fold when they realize that trickle-up socialism limits their lifestyle options. So let's stop first at Abercrombie and Fitch. See those shirtless models in the storefront tossing footballs in the air?

There's a better use of their time and efforts. Tanned, coiffed and seriously cut, these young studs could be tossing free-trade legislation across the halls of the Cannon House Office Building faster than you can Twitter "The Bella Twins."

Just tell these $15-an-hour beefcakes there's a Democrat standing between them and a $169,300 job - one that comes with a free gym membership even.

Now let's head over to Hooters for a basket of buffalo wings and some electoral gender diversity. It's a lot more wholesome than you'd think; it's mostly hosiery, not skin.

Untested bodacious waitresses who can espouse the virtues of limited government, lower taxes and a strong national defense would serve our country with greater distinction than Reps. Loretta and Linda Sanchez, whose spending policies and no longer funny ineptitude will leave Generation Y dazed, confused - and bankrupt.

Imagine overtly attractive candidates marching door-to-door asking for your vote. You'd invite them in to deliver their pitch, right?

The thing Breitbart doesn't realize is that these "tanned young Republicans" have been around for decades - they're the ones reading Ayn Rand and thinking they've found the meaning of life, the universe and everything: BE SELFISH.

They haven't taken over the "youth vote" yet, so what makes him think they're going to do any better now?

The other thing he doesn't understand is that the Christopaths would never stand for it. Breitbart thinks the "Abecrombe & Finch" lifestyle is something the religious Right is going to embrace? Sadly, I don't think the church ladies are going to find Hooters "wholesome". So they're back to the same problem with the GOP - without the Dominionist preachers screaming Republican talking points at their legions of mouth-breathing foot-soldiers, the GOP will never have the votes to get elected to any state office outside the deep South or cowboy West, much less to a national office. And the religious knuckle-draggers are not going to embrace the "young Hispanic, black and gay conservatives and libertarians" that Breitbart wants to conjure into existence.

Well, unless they embrace them in a brothel, or while wearing two wetsuits and a dildo.